Root of all evil?

Marmite: Acethumb_COLOURBOX5661662 - CopyI’m a lover not a hater of the brown spread that’s been in the news this week. 2013 will forever be cherished by my taste buds as the year in which they discovered the thick, beefy British delicacy that is Marmite. Apparently the Canadian authorities aren’t its biggest fans and I was going to wax lyrical about the divisive delight throughout this post before being distracted – by celery. Huhuhuhuhuh (that’s a shudder in case my intentions are unclear). Celery. Is. Evil.

I cannot definitively prove this as fact but I’m going to go with my gut on this one. We’ve never got on, ever since our first confrontation at a buffet table during my childhood. It looks so innocent too; green vegetable sticks plonked casually alongside other standard buffet fare; the mini Melton Mowbrays cut in half, the bread sticks and the dish of humous, all presented as snacks of equal belonging and merit. And so I was fooled to pick up a stick of the stuff, lulled in by the safe bets surrounding it like it was the most natural thing in the world of party food.

Fearlessly, I tasted it, a crunch and then a nibble. Blurrrrrrreeeeeeeehhhhh – Eeeeeuuuurrrrrhhhh – Where’s a napkin?! SOMEBODY PASS ME A NAPKIN FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED – it was like squirting washing up liquid into my mouth, swilling it around and then licking a bar of soap just for truly abysmal measure. Why would anything ever taste so bad? What freak of nature is this vegetable beast that has invaded the food chain?

It may be rich in nutrients and low in calories but celery tastes like soapy ass, I would imagine. If I wasn’t a massive pacifist I may well be minded to gather up all the celery in the world and find a method for obliterating it forever. For too long it has made a cesspool of soups, a mockery of buffets at otherwise happy events.

At this stage you may be questioning my sanity, but please understand, I’m not alone. Like any normal person would do of course, I typed ‘celery is evil’ into a well-known search engine. Lo and behold – ‘About 1,360,000 results in 0.35 seconds’. Cripes. clicked on the first link, a tumblr page with the name ‘Celery is Evil‘. Now this here folks is a dedicated celery hater. I’m talking 40 pages of anti-celery posts in the last 11 months. The first was a close up shot of the vile veg with the face of Hitler seemingly embossed onto it – the author assures us it’s definitely not a Photoshopped image. I believe you.

Apparently I’m not the only one who believes the world would be a better place without celery. In one post our blogger comments: “You need to burn celery because if you try to cut it into pieces or anything like that it just makes more individual pieces of celery which also have the ability to kill people. Burning it makes sure there isn’t anymore celery to hurt anyone.”

Link number four is ingeniously entitled ‘League for the Suppression of Celery‘. It has 47 members to date – which I can only attribute to a lack of awareness. Brands making use of the abominable veg are named and shamed. One is derided for using the stuff for a range of crisps thereby making celery appear to be palatable to children who don’t know any better. A soda range is condemned for having a name that is spelt suspiciously similar to the word celery and is chastised as “a gateway drug for the use of real celery”.

Further down the search results is a piece on Gawker, ‘The Three Most Vicious Lies About Celery‘, in which the author asserts: “Celery tastes like bundles of floss that have achieved sentience through anger and banded together to jam themselves permanently into your teeth. Celery is an insult to human dignity.” 

So it would appear that celery is the Marmite of the vegetable world. All I know for sure is that I will never, ever dip a stalk into the beefy dark depths of my new favourite spread. No sir!


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