No, I know, it’s only a bit of fun and all in the name of charity. I’m totally on board, and like all the best ideas anyone has ever had, it was thought up in a bar. But just ask yourself, what would Sean Raiger say? Now this is a man who takes his ‘tache seriously. He is king of the Horseshoe-Fu Manchu style, also known as The Yosemite Sam. It’s epic, like a steel pipe cleaner bent curvaceously and satisfyingly winding back up and round to run parallel with his cheekbones. It looks like his upper lip is wearing shades and I think I’d be prepared to part with money just to watch the man eat so I can gawk, beholden, as his ‘tache rotates while he chews. Here’s our man in action:
It’s Christmas by the way and we all know what that means, it sees the return of one of the moustachioed, and bearded, legends of all time. Santa. Some say his flowing beard is so luxuriant to keeps him warm at the North Pole or so his true identity is obscured from view, others say it is to hide his Hells Angels chin tattoo or to stop Mrs Claus from getting too close but I think he’s just after the record set by Norwegian beard-die-hard Hans N. Langseth.
Born in 1846, Hans’ 81 years on this planet were certainly not wasted. He wrote himself into the history books, immortalised for achieving the longest ever officially recorded beard, which measured in at a mind-melding 17ft 6ins at the time of his burial in Iowa, USA, in 1927. Americans must really worship the beard because Hans’ still-unbeaten chin locks were afterwards presented to the Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC. This guy’s beard really has to be seen to be believed.
Here’s three more facial hair factoids.
1. ‘Tached up folks make great music – ladies and gents, I give you Exhibit A, Motörhead:
2. A sharp ‘tache makes you a predator in front of goal. Just ask Ian Rush. The second goal in this compilation of five great Rushie goals is utter perfection.
3. Bearded men abolish slavery. Abraham Lincoln was actually beardless, sources suggest, while running for office and was encouraged by a letter from an 11-year-old girl to “grow some whiskers” because she reckoned his face was too thin. He took the advice, won the election and abolished slavery. Respect. And if you haven’t seen Steven Spielberg’s Oscar-winning biopic of the great man, starring Daniel Day-Lewis in the lead role, then sort it out. Now.
If you’ve read to the bottom of this post you’re only marginally less silly than me for typing it.